Assalamualaikum. Hello.

The last entry I’ve written and posted was two years ago on 29 December 2016 and it is 30 December 2018 when I am writing this (because I have no idea if I’ll be able to post this before the New Years, such a procrastinator). I’ve gone missing for so long, well not that I have any readers on this blog (mostly are just friends) to worry about but believe it or not, I am already on my second semester as a university student. I think this year has been particularly very challenging emotionally. It provided me the time to mature and focus mainly on my growth, basically it is just a year of finding my true self. Well, if I told you it was a great year, I’d be lying. To be real with you, it broke me, to the point that I felt like giving up. And for those who know me, giving up on something that I really want is far from what I’d usually opt for. Giving up was never one of the options.

You see, I wasn’t the brightest kid back in school. I think I am just mediocre which is completely fine with me (hahaahah tipu kau competitive gila) since I really enjoyed learning and I loved every subject I was taking. I think school was easy. I was in the Science stream, stereotyped as the stream for the brilliants. It’s really not, I’ve met people that are not from Science stream that are just equally as smart but then, I don’t want to get into that cause I believe if I were to write my opinions and perspective on this matter, it would be a long ass entry and we don’t want that now, do we?

So, I guess I did made you wonder (or not) on what happened because I made it sound so depressing. Looking back in March, my birthday month where I should be all excited and ecstatic to celebrate it, this year I was nervous and worried thinking that my SPM results was going to flunk. I have so many goals for the future, determined to get straight As since that’s the only easy way/vital platform that can lead me towards the opportunities in achieving all of that. Truth to be told, my trial results were actually better than I expected hence it made me set a higher expectations on myself. Oh, now you can expect where I’m going with this, am I right?

Not just yet.

I’m grateful of whatever I got for my SPM, really. I knew I could apply for scholarships with it back then but it didn’t take me long to feel that it wasn’t enough to secure a place. It was not enough. I felt like I failed myself because the options in applying scholarship were very limited. But of course, it was ungrateful to think that way because I didn’t realize there were people who didn’t have the chance to apply for even ONE scholarship. Now that I think of it, I’m embarrassed of myself. JPA-MARA, YTN and another one I can’t recall (rasa ingat tapi takut salah nanti malu je), I didn’t remember exactly what course I applied though except for YTN but I’ll tell you in a minute.

Out of three, I managed to get called for two interviews and I did get both of the scholarships. YTN and another one that I can’t remember because I wasn’t actually excited for it because it was for diploma. (I still went to the interview for the sake of getting more experience with interviews so I could be more confident for next ones)

Surprisingly, I didn’t take it.

I gave it a long thought whether to go for Foundation in Science or Foundation in Engineering with a full ride scholarship, already securing a job so there’s already less things to worry about in the future. Maybe for you it’s a simple choice but for me it wasn’t.

I’m not that good with numbers, I’m okay with calculations and I definitely don’t hate it (because hate is such a strong word, dislike is more preferable). I wasn’t the best in Physics either. On the other hand, I don’t have problems with memorizing. History was one of my favourite and strong subjects to be honest. In short, there was a lot to consider. It wasn’t just mainly about getting scholarships, it was also about doing something that I know I’m good at and interested in.

If you ask me whether if I regretted turning down the scholarship, maybe. Half of me regretted the decision because I get upset and little bit jealous seeing other friends who are under scholarships and I think it’s harder to secure one for degree whereas the other part of me knew I couldn’t force myself doing it for long term. Right now, I’m just hoping (and praying) that whatever path I’m taking, it is the best for me and I believe Allah has better plans for me.

And this was just the first part of feeling down of more episodes. More of it involves friends, new environment and studying, mainly problems with coping up -- just like a snowball effect. However, I don't think I wanted to write about it right now, in this entry. So yes, there will be another one which is a continuation of this entry more about the life after I decided I did not want go for YTN.

Some of you will probably wonder what's the point of me writing about all of this -- I know maybe there will be a number that will assume I am showing off. I am not, and that is not reason why I decided to speak about this (for your information, some of my close friends didn't even have any idea about this).

I've definitely given a thought on writing this and I think it'll benefit those who are waiting for their SPM results and are scared of the future. Also to those who think that 2018 isn't their year, you are not alone. Ayuh kita tinggalkan all the sadness in 2018 and proceed to 2019 with open hearts.

If there's anyone who wanted to know more about what to expect during scholarship interviews and UPU, feel free to ask.

That is all for now.