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Posted 30 Dec 2018 //
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Assalamualaikum. Hello.
The last entry I’ve written and posted was two years ago on 29
December 2016 and it is 30 December 2018 when I am writing this (because I have no idea if I’ll be able to
post this before the New Years, such a procrastinator). I’ve gone missing for so long, well not that I have any readers on
this blog (mostly are just friends) to worry about but believe it or not, I am
already on my second semester as a university student. I think this year has
been particularly very challenging emotionally. It provided me the time to
mature and focus mainly on my growth, basically it is just a year of finding my
true self. Well, if I told you it was a great year, I’d be lying. To be real
with you, it broke me, to the point that I felt like giving up. And for those
who know me, giving up on something that I really want is far from what I’d
usually opt for. Giving up was never one of the options.
You see, I wasn’t the brightest kid back in school. I think
I am just mediocre which is completely fine with me (hahaahah tipu kau competitive gila) since I really enjoyed learning
and I loved every subject I was taking. I think school was easy. I was in the Science
stream, stereotyped as the stream for the brilliants. It’s really not, I’ve met
people that are not from Science stream that are just equally as smart but
then, I don’t want to get into that cause I believe if I were to write my
opinions and perspective on this matter, it would be a long ass entry and we
don’t want that now, do we?
So, I guess I did made you wonder (or not) on what happened
because I made it sound so depressing. Looking back in March, my birthday month
where I should be all excited and ecstatic to celebrate it, this year I was
nervous and worried thinking that my SPM results was going to flunk. I have so
many goals for the future, determined to get straight As since that’s the only
easy way/vital platform that can lead me towards the opportunities in achieving
all of that. Truth to be told, my trial results were actually better than I expected
hence it made me set a higher expectations on myself. Oh, now you can expect where I’m going with this, am I right?
Not just yet.
I’m grateful of whatever I got for my SPM, really. I knew I
could apply for scholarships with it back then but it didn’t take me long to
feel that it wasn’t enough to secure a place. It was not enough. I felt like I failed myself because the options in applying scholarship were very limited.
But of course, it was ungrateful to think that way because I didn’t realize there
were people who didn’t have the chance to apply for even ONE scholarship. Now
that I think of it, I’m embarrassed of myself. JPA-MARA, YTN and another one I
can’t recall (rasa ingat tapi takut salah
nanti malu je), I didn’t remember
exactly what course I applied though except for YTN but I’ll tell you in a
minute.
Out of three, I managed to get called for two interviews and
I did get both of the scholarships. YTN and another one that I can’t remember
because I wasn’t actually excited for it because it was for diploma. (I still went to the interview for the sake of getting more experience with interviews so I could be more confident for next ones)
Surprisingly, I didn’t take it.
I gave it a long thought whether to go for Foundation in
Science or Foundation in Engineering with a full ride scholarship, already
securing a job so there’s already less things to worry about in the future. Maybe
for you it’s a simple choice but for me it wasn’t.
I’m not that good with numbers, I’m okay with calculations and I definitely don’t hate it
(because hate is such a strong word, dislike is more preferable). I wasn’t the
best in Physics either. On the other hand, I don’t have problems
with memorizing. History was one of my favourite and strong subjects to be
honest. In short, there was a lot to consider. It wasn’t just mainly about
getting scholarships, it was also about doing something that I know I’m good at
and interested in.
If you ask me whether if I regretted turning down the
scholarship, maybe. Half of me regretted the decision because I get upset and
little bit jealous seeing other friends who are under scholarships and I think it’s
harder to secure one for degree whereas the other part of me knew I couldn’t
force myself doing it for long term. Right now, I’m just hoping (and praying)
that whatever path I’m taking, it is the best for me and I believe Allah has
better plans for me.
And this was just the first part of feeling down of more episodes. More of it involves friends, new environment and studying, mainly problems with coping up -- just like a snowball effect. However, I don't think I wanted to write about it right now, in this entry. So yes, there will be another one which is a continuation of this entry more about the life after I decided I did not want go for YTN. Some of you will probably wonder what's the point of me writing about all of this -- I know maybe there will be a number that will assume I am showing off. I am not, and that is not reason why I decided to speak about this (for your information, some of my close friends didn't even have any idea about this). I've definitely given a thought on writing this and I think it'll benefit those who are waiting for their SPM results and are scared of the future. Also to those who think that 2018 isn't their year, you are not alone. Ayuh kita tinggalkan all the sadness in 2018 and proceed to 2019 with open hearts. If there's anyone who wanted to know more about what to expect during scholarship interviews and UPU, feel free to ask. That is all for now. Labels: emotional, expectations, growing up, year end Posted 29 Dec 2016 //
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 I feel like 2016 is going to be one of the years I'd reflect back to the most and as I'm going to take a step closer to being 17 years old in less than three months (we're also nearing 2017), I felt a strong urge to share 16 things I've learned throughout my 16 years of life. So, here we go. 1. Appreciate the details. Take a minute to stop and look. Notice all the colours, smell and even the behaviours of the people you are with. These are the things that helped me see the world in a such beautiful way. 2. Be blunt. Say out the thoughts you have in your head. You can never get your points across by beating around the bush. If someone doesn't like it, it is not your problem. Not everyone thinks the same way you think but it's not a free pass to condemn others. 3. Know exactly what you want and don't stop until you get it. 4. If it makes you nervous, it's worth giving a shot. Your comfort zone will always be there. You have to make yourself do some crazy things once in a while. Nike got it right when they decided to go with 'just do it'. It's like jumping off a cliff over the ocean, deep down you know nothing major is going to happen but the hardest thing is to take the plunge. (But please don't jump off a cliff) 5. Fucking things up is normal. It's okay. You're young and it'll happen to everyone. Don't beat up yourself over that shit forever. After all, mistakes are the best teacher. 6. Your efforts won't betray you. There are no downsides to putting effort into the things you do. Your relationship, your friendships, your studies, or the sports you do. It doesn't matter how big or small of a thing it is, effort never betrays you and it brings you a lot of good things. 7. Give people the love you've never received. Pour love into every single person you meet and stop when they prove that they no longer deserve it. 8. Tell people how you feel. You will feel so much better. Remember those little compliments you give people in your head? Next time, just tell them when you have the opportunity because you never know how it can affect their day. 9. Capture a lot of moments every now and again. Don't just take pictures, videos are just as important. Stop complaining when someone wants to take a picture of you just because your hair doesn't look good. One day, you will cherish that memory and be happy you have something to look back on from it. 10. You're plain out stupid if you put anything above your family. 11. Life is unfair. But try not to be jealous of something or someone. It's toxic. Just keep living. What you have right now is someone else's dream. Comparison is the thief of all joy. 12. Not everyone will stay. People come and go. Friends are going to leave but they'll be replaced with the most unexpected people you could think of. And because of them, you'll know the difference between friendships that can go quiet but still burn on and a flaky one. 13. Cherish the ones that put up with you. Nothing really lasts, don't take people for granted. 14. Change is not a bad thing. It is okay to look different or be different from who you used to be, or maybe be in a different situation from what you're used to. In order to be who you are now and the person you are in the future, it takes a change. Trust me, one day you will not recognize yourself from any other you's you were before and you will love the changes more than the comfort of familiarity. 15. Have fun. You're not getting any younger, don't stress out too much. 16. Love yourself for who you are. There's no one on this planet quite like you and that is something to be proud of. You're enough, you're special and you deserve every ounce of life and love this world has to offer. Don't let anyone, including your own thoughts to define you otherwise.  Labels: growing up, year end Posted 22 Dec 2015 //
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This year. Wow. 2015 has been a "let's see how many gut-punches can this girl take" kind of year. No joke. A cocktail of sleepless nights, losing faith, cracking thousand of books for a big exam and many moments of feeling utterly defeated, all of which I did my best to conceal with a little laugh. However, that's not what I want to think of recalling 2015. I want to remember the happy moments, not all the sacrifices and hurt that cost me imaginary bleeding. Because there were moments when I felt so happy and deeply in love with life.
Despite the challenges knocking me down a few times, I've almost made it and there's only a few days left till the end. I learned how to love myself and the wonderful people around me, walking away from horrible person that I found nothing but just a pain in the ass for the first time, in 2015. How to find my voice and confidence to stand up for myself and my rights. I've made so many friends that love me for who I am. I have changed so so so much throughout the year. So I want that positive vibe to propel me to try even harder next year in all aspects of life.
By the way, I feel so sad that's 2015 is at the end because everything just started settling in the way I wanted to. December has got to be my favourite month out of all the 12 and it makes leaving 2015 even harder. (ugly sobs)
If you see someone being interrupted in a conversation, acknowledge them, don’t let them be pushed to the side. If you see someone lagging behind, walk beside them. If someone is being ignored, take the step to include them. Always remind people of their worth. It hurts when it feels like you’re being forgotten. That small gesture can mean a lot.Quoting this because I'm including this in my New Year's resolution. Labels: friends, pls go slower la 2015, year end |
she/her
  Growing to love writing a lot, just to express my unstable teenage mood swings. I write out my opinions a lot and neither of them makes sense.Search
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