illegible scribbles

Posted 30 Dec 2018 // 0 comments (+)

Assalamualaikum. Hello.

The last entry I’ve written and posted was two years ago on 29 December 2016 and it is 30 December 2018 when I am writing this (because I have no idea if I’ll be able to post this before the New Years, such a procrastinator). I’ve gone missing for so long, well not that I have any readers on this blog (mostly are just friends) to worry about but believe it or not, I am already on my second semester as a university student. I think this year has been particularly very challenging emotionally. It provided me the time to mature and focus mainly on my growth, basically it is just a year of finding my true self. Well, if I told you it was a great year, I’d be lying. To be real with you, it broke me, to the point that I felt like giving up. And for those who know me, giving up on something that I really want is far from what I’d usually opt for. Giving up was never one of the options.

You see, I wasn’t the brightest kid back in school. I think I am just mediocre which is completely fine with me (hahaahah tipu kau competitive gila) since I really enjoyed learning and I loved every subject I was taking. I think school was easy. I was in the Science stream, stereotyped as the stream for the brilliants. It’s really not, I’ve met people that are not from Science stream that are just equally as smart but then, I don’t want to get into that cause I believe if I were to write my opinions and perspective on this matter, it would be a long ass entry and we don’t want that now, do we?

So, I guess I did made you wonder (or not) on what happened because I made it sound so depressing. Looking back in March, my birthday month where I should be all excited and ecstatic to celebrate it, this year I was nervous and worried thinking that my SPM results was going to flunk. I have so many goals for the future, determined to get straight As since that’s the only easy way/vital platform that can lead me towards the opportunities in achieving all of that. Truth to be told, my trial results were actually better than I expected hence it made me set a higher expectations on myself. Oh, now you can expect where I’m going with this, am I right?

Not just yet.

I’m grateful of whatever I got for my SPM, really. I knew I could apply for scholarships with it back then but it didn’t take me long to feel that it wasn’t enough to secure a place. It was not enough. I felt like I failed myself because the options in applying scholarship were very limited. But of course, it was ungrateful to think that way because I didn’t realize there were people who didn’t have the chance to apply for even ONE scholarship. Now that I think of it, I’m embarrassed of myself. JPA-MARA, YTN and another one I can’t recall (rasa ingat tapi takut salah nanti malu je), I didn’t remember exactly what course I applied though except for YTN but I’ll tell you in a minute.

Out of three, I managed to get called for two interviews and I did get both of the scholarships. YTN and another one that I can’t remember because I wasn’t actually excited for it because it was for diploma. (I still went to the interview for the sake of getting more experience with interviews so I could be more confident for next ones)

Surprisingly, I didn’t take it.

I gave it a long thought whether to go for Foundation in Science or Foundation in Engineering with a full ride scholarship, already securing a job so there’s already less things to worry about in the future. Maybe for you it’s a simple choice but for me it wasn’t.

I’m not that good with numbers, I’m okay with calculations and I definitely don’t hate it (because hate is such a strong word, dislike is more preferable). I wasn’t the best in Physics either. On the other hand, I don’t have problems with memorizing. History was one of my favourite and strong subjects to be honest. In short, there was a lot to consider. It wasn’t just mainly about getting scholarships, it was also about doing something that I know I’m good at and interested in.

If you ask me whether if I regretted turning down the scholarship, maybe. Half of me regretted the decision because I get upset and little bit jealous seeing other friends who are under scholarships and I think it’s harder to secure one for degree whereas the other part of me knew I couldn’t force myself doing it for long term. Right now, I’m just hoping (and praying) that whatever path I’m taking, it is the best for me and I believe Allah has better plans for me.

And this was just the first part of feeling down of more episodes. More of it involves friends, new environment and studying, mainly problems with coping up -- just like a snowball effect. However, I don't think I wanted to write about it right now, in this entry. So yes, there will be another one which is a continuation of this entry more about the life after I decided I did not want go for YTN.

Some of you will probably wonder what's the point of me writing about all of this -- I know maybe there will be a number that will assume I am showing off. I am not, and that is not reason why I decided to speak about this (for your information, some of my close friends didn't even have any idea about this).

I've definitely given a thought on writing this and I think it'll benefit those who are waiting for their SPM results and are scared of the future. Also to those who think that 2018 isn't their year, you are not alone. Ayuh kita tinggalkan all the sadness in 2018 and proceed to 2019 with open hearts.

If there's anyone who wanted to know more about what to expect during scholarship interviews and UPU, feel free to ask.

That is all for now.

Labels: emotional, expectations, growing up, year end

16 Things I Learned at 16

Posted 29 Dec 2016 // 0 comments (+)

I feel like 2016 is going to be one of the years I'd reflect back to the most and as I'm going to take a step closer to being 17 years old in less than three months (we're also nearing 2017), I felt a strong urge to share 16 things I've learned throughout my 16 years of life. So, here we go.

1. Appreciate the details. Take a minute to stop and look. Notice all the colours, smell and even the behaviours of the people you are with. These are the things that helped me see the world in a such beautiful way.

2. Be blunt. Say out the thoughts you have in your head. You can never get your points across by beating around the bush. If someone doesn't like it, it is not your problem. Not everyone thinks the same way you think but it's not a free pass to condemn others.

3. Know exactly what you want and don't stop until you get it.

4. If it makes you nervous, it's worth giving a shot. Your comfort zone will always be there. You have to make yourself do some crazy things once in a while. Nike got it right when they decided to go with 'just do it'. It's like jumping off a cliff over the ocean, deep down you know nothing major is going to happen but the hardest thing is to take the plunge. (But please don't jump off a cliff)

5. Fucking things up is normal. It's okay. You're young and it'll happen to everyone. Don't beat up yourself over that shit forever. After all, mistakes are the best teacher.

6. Your efforts won't betray you. There are no downsides to putting effort into the things you do. Your relationship, your friendships, your studies, or the sports you do. It doesn't matter how big or small of a thing it is, effort never betrays you and it brings you a lot of good things.

7. Give people the love you've never received. Pour love into every single person you meet and stop when they prove that they no longer deserve it.

8. Tell people how you feel. You will feel so much better. Remember those little compliments you give people in your head? Next time, just tell them when you have the opportunity because you never know how it can affect their day.

9. Capture a lot of moments every now and again. Don't just take pictures, videos are just as important. Stop complaining when someone wants to take a picture of you just because your hair doesn't look good. One day, you will cherish that memory and be happy you have something to look back on from it.

10. You're plain out stupid if you put anything above your family.

11. Life is unfair. But try not to be jealous of something or someone. It's toxic. Just keep living. What you have right now is someone else's dream. Comparison is the thief of all joy.

12. Not everyone will stay. People come and go. Friends are going to leave but they'll be replaced with the most unexpected people you could think of. And because of them, you'll know the difference between friendships that can go quiet but still burn on and a flaky one.

13. Cherish the ones that put up with you. Nothing really lasts, don't take people for granted.

14. Change is not a bad thing. It is okay to look different or be different from who you used to be, or maybe be in a different situation from what you're used to. In order to be who you are now and the person you are in the future, it takes a change. Trust me, one day you will not recognize yourself from any other you's you were before and you will love the changes more than the comfort of familiarity.

15. Have fun. You're not getting any younger, don't stress out too much.

16. Love yourself for who you are. There's no one on this planet quite like you and that is something to be proud of. You're enough, you're special and you deserve every ounce of life and love this world has to offer. Don't let anyone, including your own thoughts to define you otherwise.

Labels: growing up, year end

The real MVP

Posted 5 Dec 2015 // 0 comments (+)

I felt most of the people I know do this, even some of my friends who I expected more from them. Now, I do think it's partially my own fault for putting such a high expectation but isn't it hard not to do that when you are obviously attached to each other to the point they have my complete trust. Who else can I trust other than my closest friends besides my family. Exactly.

Yes, I do feel like I've been taken advantage of multiple times and enduring my feelings were getting a lot harder time by time yet I still want to help them. So, whenever they come to me because of a problem, a part of me believe that the person is genuine but then the same thing happens.

So, how can I find the balance? It's really hard and confusing. If I give up on talking to them, they would obviously do the same. When I try to be nice and help them, I'll get stepped over. As much as I disliked what they did to me, I really want to keep a good friendship though.

I don't understand how some of the people say "just cut the ties and be done".

Um, am I missing out on something? How can you claim that you value a friend or friendship, that a close friend completely ignoring you and decided to only cut them out of your life that easy and how it would not affect you at all.

Personally, I'll try helping anyone who asks, even friends who are mere acquaintances at best. But if these people only talk to me when I'm needed and not to just chill around, I can tell that I'm just convenient to them.

I sometimes wonder how some people could manage having so many friends with feeling superficial. I can't even have 15 friends without feeling getting used by now and then.

This. One of the things everyone will experience while growing up. I'm still grateful there are still people who I can count on, be there whether I'm at my best or worst, And these kind of people, I just want to keep them somewhere deep inside my heart for being my great companions.

Labels: expectations, friends, growing up, rant

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