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Posted 23 Aug 2019 //
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This is an open letter, a letter that I am writing to someone I used to know with the hope that she might be able to find comfort and solace by turning herself inward and take the time to listen to what I'll have to say.
You feel lost.
You fought for god knows how long and so hard only for everything to come back crashing down on yourself. There are just so many things you've given up along the way just to live up to your own expectations -- and unknowingly lost a part of yourself throughout the years too. Everything just seems so vague and you can't bear to look at yourself just to realize that you will never become the person you pictured yourself to be. A disappointment, that's what you think of yourself.
You gave up fighting. There's no will to live nor to fight because you think the world crushed you so bad and you’re defeated. A person can only take so much before they collapse, am I right? And there's just really nothing else for you to defend. You have already lost yourself. Your spark is gone. Giving up is the last choice. So you turn yourself off, going through motions of being alive but you're dead on the inside. You see everyone around you living and striving but there's.... you. Doing the bare minimum in your life just to get by. But dead.
You kept hearing people telling, "You can do this. You're stronger than this". They don't believe you when you say you just can't go anymore further than this. They don't understand. It's not just about you lacking the strength (bukan malas tapi penat) to try. It's just you've never been this exhausted, physically and mentally. If you could gather the all the strength left inside of you to take one more step and to try one more time, you would. But you don't. Every word of encouragement ends up hurting yourself even more so you decided to withdraw yourself and stop running to someone else for comfort and validation. Well, it's not really hard when you notice that they don't care about you enough to give two fucks about your problems. It's easier when you know you're always on your own from the very start.
It's been almost a month. You're still surviving and I guess that's more than enough.
Don't worry. I'm not going to say it's not the end of the world and that you don't have the rights to be upset over everything that is happening. As a matter of fact, you're absolutely right to feel this way. You are entitled to scream and cry if you want to. But, it's been almost a month. A month of you worrying and crying over where you'll end up in the future, what kind of career you'll fall into and what kind of a person you'll become. It's like being in a null state, lacking direction and a clear knowledge of who you are. It feels like your whole body is wrapped in a plastic. It's suffocating and you can't move.
But the unknown identity which is trapped in this plastic needs to give up. And by giving up, you need to start to accept things. You need to acknowledge not everything is in your control. You are still you despite being unable to become the 'perfect' idea of yourself. You are responsible for making the most out of whatever that is in front of you, to make sure the patterns of the past do not need to be repeated and you are under no obligation to perpetuate what was.
Start over. I know it's easier being said than done. You see no hope in doing so because no matter how hard you try, it's never good enough for anyone, for anything. But it's never about being on top nor being first. It's not about comparing yourself and your life journey to others. You're enough. It’s fine to take the longer route. Starting over is for you to learn new tricks and let go of the old ones. To better and improve yourself. It's like resetting your phone so it can start working properly again. It's for you to gain a new self, a consciousness in getting up and build yourself again with greater depth and an altered perspective after drifting along into the nothingness, losing yourself.
Until when? Until it is time to give up again. Then, you start finding yourself. Again.
As long as your heart keeps beating, you need to keep living. Or at least try to. It's a vicious cycle. You have to do a lot of it in the future. There's going to be more and more reasons for you to relapse. But, it's okay to give up as long as you promise to find yourself again.
Labels: expectations, self Posted 30 Dec 2018 //
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Assalamualaikum. Hello.
The last entry I’ve written and posted was two years ago on 29
December 2016 and it is 30 December 2018 when I am writing this (because I have no idea if I’ll be able to
post this before the New Years, such a procrastinator). I’ve gone missing for so long, well not that I have any readers on
this blog (mostly are just friends) to worry about but believe it or not, I am
already on my second semester as a university student. I think this year has
been particularly very challenging emotionally. It provided me the time to
mature and focus mainly on my growth, basically it is just a year of finding my
true self. Well, if I told you it was a great year, I’d be lying. To be real
with you, it broke me, to the point that I felt like giving up. And for those
who know me, giving up on something that I really want is far from what I’d
usually opt for. Giving up was never one of the options.
You see, I wasn’t the brightest kid back in school. I think
I am just mediocre which is completely fine with me (hahaahah tipu kau competitive gila) since I really enjoyed learning
and I loved every subject I was taking. I think school was easy. I was in the Science
stream, stereotyped as the stream for the brilliants. It’s really not, I’ve met
people that are not from Science stream that are just equally as smart but
then, I don’t want to get into that cause I believe if I were to write my
opinions and perspective on this matter, it would be a long ass entry and we
don’t want that now, do we?
So, I guess I did made you wonder (or not) on what happened
because I made it sound so depressing. Looking back in March, my birthday month
where I should be all excited and ecstatic to celebrate it, this year I was
nervous and worried thinking that my SPM results was going to flunk. I have so
many goals for the future, determined to get straight As since that’s the only
easy way/vital platform that can lead me towards the opportunities in achieving
all of that. Truth to be told, my trial results were actually better than I expected
hence it made me set a higher expectations on myself. Oh, now you can expect where I’m going with this, am I right?
Not just yet.
I’m grateful of whatever I got for my SPM, really. I knew I
could apply for scholarships with it back then but it didn’t take me long to
feel that it wasn’t enough to secure a place. It was not enough. I felt like I failed myself because the options in applying scholarship were very limited.
But of course, it was ungrateful to think that way because I didn’t realize there
were people who didn’t have the chance to apply for even ONE scholarship. Now
that I think of it, I’m embarrassed of myself. JPA-MARA, YTN and another one I
can’t recall (rasa ingat tapi takut salah
nanti malu je), I didn’t remember
exactly what course I applied though except for YTN but I’ll tell you in a
minute.
Out of three, I managed to get called for two interviews and
I did get both of the scholarships. YTN and another one that I can’t remember
because I wasn’t actually excited for it because it was for diploma. (I still went to the interview for the sake of getting more experience with interviews so I could be more confident for next ones)
Surprisingly, I didn’t take it.
I gave it a long thought whether to go for Foundation in
Science or Foundation in Engineering with a full ride scholarship, already
securing a job so there’s already less things to worry about in the future. Maybe
for you it’s a simple choice but for me it wasn’t.
I’m not that good with numbers, I’m okay with calculations and I definitely don’t hate it
(because hate is such a strong word, dislike is more preferable). I wasn’t the
best in Physics either. On the other hand, I don’t have problems
with memorizing. History was one of my favourite and strong subjects to be
honest. In short, there was a lot to consider. It wasn’t just mainly about
getting scholarships, it was also about doing something that I know I’m good at
and interested in.
If you ask me whether if I regretted turning down the
scholarship, maybe. Half of me regretted the decision because I get upset and
little bit jealous seeing other friends who are under scholarships and I think it’s
harder to secure one for degree whereas the other part of me knew I couldn’t
force myself doing it for long term. Right now, I’m just hoping (and praying)
that whatever path I’m taking, it is the best for me and I believe Allah has
better plans for me.
And this was just the first part of feeling down of more episodes. More of it involves friends, new environment and studying, mainly problems with coping up -- just like a snowball effect. However, I don't think I wanted to write about it right now, in this entry. So yes, there will be another one which is a continuation of this entry more about the life after I decided I did not want go for YTN. Some of you will probably wonder what's the point of me writing about all of this -- I know maybe there will be a number that will assume I am showing off. I am not, and that is not reason why I decided to speak about this (for your information, some of my close friends didn't even have any idea about this). I've definitely given a thought on writing this and I think it'll benefit those who are waiting for their SPM results and are scared of the future. Also to those who think that 2018 isn't their year, you are not alone. Ayuh kita tinggalkan all the sadness in 2018 and proceed to 2019 with open hearts. If there's anyone who wanted to know more about what to expect during scholarship interviews and UPU, feel free to ask. That is all for now. Labels: emotional, expectations, growing up, year end |
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  Growing to love writing a lot, just to express my unstable teenage mood swings. I write out my opinions a lot and neither of them makes sense.Search
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